An Obituary printed in the London Times (the whutnow?)Ah, I enjoyed that. If anyone wants me, I'll be reading Speak You're Branes...
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape (and there was me thinking that "bureaucratic" record-keeping was so you could find stuff that would otherwise be lost in the mists of time, not to obfuscate the past). He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and Maybe it was my fault.
(those aren't so much valuable lessons as trite statements and platitudes that have nothing to do with common sense.)
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies - don't spend more than you can earn - (excellent, provided you never want to own your own house, go to university) and reliable strategies - adults, not children, are in charge (which is great, provided children are also listened to. Let's not go back to the "children should be seen and not heard" of yore that led to kids not being able to speak out *shudders*).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports (in the Daily Mail) of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion (an invasion of personal space) or an aspirin (to which quite a large number of people are intolerant) to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an Abortion (due to the fact that teenagers are human beings with rights to confidentiality).
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses (which they have always been, but not recognised as such); (<- unnecessary semi-colon is unnecessary) and criminals received better treatment than their victims (that's sometimes true, but again has nothing to do with common sense. Neither does commercialised religion).
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault (if you use unreasonable force such as, for instance, shooting them in the back while they're running away instead of leaving them to the Police, Tony Martin).
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, (<- unnecessary comma is unnecessary) after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, (<- and again with the commas) and was promptly awarded a huge settlement (who is this apocryphal woman? How much was she awarded? By whom? Under what jurisdiction? If you have a point to make, please make it specific so we can see the evidence for your assertions).
Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust (who must've been so disappointed by their son's lack of likeness to either of them. It's almost like he was... Completely unrelated), by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; (<- um, I think you mean colon, not semi-colon. Please learn about punctuation. Kthx.)
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim
(The obituary is written by Common Sense's bastard cousin, This Is An Outrage. You may know him as a close personal friend of Political Correctness Gone Mad and We Never Had This Ridiculous Health And Safety Nonsense In My Day.)
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone (that's what you get for writing an obituary for someone whose funeral has been and gone). If you still remember him, pass this on (I do, but not in the way described...) If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Monday, 12 September 2011
Obituary to Common Sense? Testimony to idiocy more like...
Received as an email in my mailbox today (commentary in brackets):